A house divided cannot stand (Matt. 12:25). If his half of the marriage boat sinks, so will yours. If you strike at each other, you’ll put holes in the boat, and you’ll both go down.
We lose when we wound our mate. A wounded spouse is a liability, not an asset, to the marriage.
“Christians…should be united in what is essential, namely, in the love and doctrine of Christ” (Philip E. Hughes) See Phil. 2:1-2.
Otherwise a minority opinion in the church would be a sin, we’d all have to be in the same political party and the Protestant Reformation would have been sinful.
We should not let the sun go down on our anger (Eph. 4:26)
Maybe we should go pray or calm down.
Then make an appointment to continue the discussion.
Prov. 30:33 “For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.” Don’t cross the threshold into strife—even when ridiculed.
Live a life of love—Eph. 5:1-2—which will solve half of communication problems.
Love is patient, kind, doesn’t envy, doesn’t boast, isn’t proud, isn’t rude, isn’t self-seeking, isn’t easily angered, and doesn’t keep a record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:4-5)
Love doesn’t “delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 13:6-7
Now, how can you pick an argument with that kind of love?
“The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer.
But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” (Prov. 15:28).
“There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Prov. 12:18).
“If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.” James 1:26
Avoid attributing motives—we can say what motives appear to be. God knows the heart.
Use “I” messages instead of “you” messages—which is less threatening. “I feel…” rather than “You are always…”
Avoid getting physical. Don’t push, slap, shove or hit. Stay out of your spouse’s face.
Avoid extreme thinking and talking. “You always…You never…Every time I…” Rarely is the other person at the extreme.
Avoid the burdens of history—dredging up the past.
Col. 3:12 “And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.”
Don’t deal with criticism by shifting blame. Admit when you’re wrong and ask forgiveness. Don’t deny or ignore it. Otherwise you are dishonest, and the wound will take longer to heal between you.
Say “You’re right, I’m wrong, please forgive me.”
There’s a place for rebuke (Prov. 28:23), and a wise person values a proper rebuke.
If accurate rebuke has been meekly given and ignored or rejected, this qualifies the person as a mocker (Prov. 9:8).
If there is no resolution, perhaps it is best to “cover over” the offense (Prov. 17:9) with love.
How often are we to forgive our spouse for unresolved sin? Jesus suggested 70 times 7, probably indicating a perfect number of times (Matt. 18:21-22). If we stop forgiving, the marriage will wither and die. At this point we may need to seek marriage counseling from a mature Christian counselor.
Share specifically what pleases you and what doesn’t. We don’t have to conform to every desire, but we may find a middle way. If your spouse is unwilling to do something, don’t, but “test the waters” later (Tim Anastasi).
Rejection in sex is particularly painful, going to the roots of our basic identity—as male or female.
We’ve already given sexual rights and cannot rightly take them back.
The husband needs to sacrifice his own pleasure at times, for his wife’s.
What we wear for our mate is a powerful communicator. Look attractive. If you’re undesirable with the lights on, you may be undesirable with the lights off.
Dress to please your spouse.
Stewardship includes developing your body. Keep muscle tone and keep in shape. By 2008 39% of Americans may be 30 lbs. overweight*.
We communicate sexual attraction by our eyes and voice. Staring at the opposite sex or meeting a stare communicates that I find that person sexually attractive and that I am in some way available.
A woman can capture a man simply with her eyes.
“Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her capture you with her eyes.” Prov. 6:25.
If a man is captured, he will find it difficult to give himself fully to his wife. If a wife has returned sexually-loaded stares, she will find it difficult to give herself fully to her husband.
If she is married, she has become unfaithful, in spirit, to her marriage vows of keeping herself only for her husband.
Even if nothing more comes of it, an illicit invitation has been extended to a man. The wife must repent of this unfaithful spirit, asking for a chaste spirit. A husband who has eyes of a predator, seeking a woman who will give access, must also repent and ask for a chaste spirit.
The husband is supposed to protect the wife from strange men. Instead of staying under his covering, she renounces his authority by inviting illicit and potentially adulterous attention.
A woman who gives her eyes to a strange man cannot communicate a limit to her availability, which can be very dangerous. She invites him to come.
Given an opportunity, the man will come to the woman. If they find themselves alone, without danger of interruption, she will find it extremely difficult to resist him, since she has already communicated her willingness to receive him.
Satan is expert at providing such opportunities.
According to one study, 17% of divorces occurred due to adultery, which probably began with the eyes.
Children must not usurp the place of the husband. We aren’t married to the kids—nowhere are supposed to take vows with our children. They will leave. Our mate shouldn’t.
The wife should provide counsel to the husband and he should evaluate the counsel.
Children, as you know, will probably try to divide parents to get their way. So communicate with each other if you suspect the kids are playing you against each other.
A husband is his wife’s “gardener.” Communicate, wife, how you feel you need to develop and maximize God’s gifts to you in the areas of hobbies, vocation, talents, and interests.
Developing her gifts will cost money.
I believe the husband will be
called to account if he has buried his wife’s talents.
Encourage him to develop his abilities. Don’t compete with him, but encourage and admire him.
When he is in most harmony with his work, the home will have more harmony.
My wife fully supported me in getting further education, even though it meant my being far away for 9 months with 3 kids at home and that she would be the general contractor of the house we were building.